Five Years In The Making: Neon Gold

In the beginning of 2003 my life hit rock bottom. I had been addicted to pain killers for over a year, had just had my heartbroken, dropped out of art school and couldn't see any sort of future worth living for. I could find no reason in my heart to keep going, none of the options that I had in California appealed to me, and I found myself pushed up against a very tall Wall, with no real way around it.

I sat crying in my parents rocking chair, in the apartment they were renting while they were remodeling their house, racking my mind for a way to save me from myself. Dr. Sylvia was there when I came up with the idea for Switzerland. In Dr. Sylvia's special way, she blew off the idea, not being able to see how, I, someone who had never liked Switzerland, who couldn't even last seven hours in a college dormitory and couldn't speak German, was going to be able to move to Europe, alone. Looking back five years, I understand where she was coming from. I was a weak mess and in no way possessed the figurative balls that I have today. No one was fully aware to the actuality of my state though, and therefore couldn't see that my heart was rotting and that my mind had been in decaying since I had left high school. By the time the end of March rolled around, it became evident to me that staying was not an option, and that the only chance I had for a future was to leave.

On April 22nd, while Dr. Sylvia and Chef Doug were in Paris, I got a letter from Dr. Sylvia's friends in Switzerland, inviting me to work at their hotel outside of Luzern for the Summer. I was to leave in a little over a month, which was good because it didn't give me much time to think about what I was doing. The night before I was to get on the plane I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever had. I couldn't stop vomiting, I pulled out small chunks of my hair, and Dr. Sylvia had to sleep in my bed and hold me to stop me from shaking. By the time I got in the car to go to the airport I had gotten myself under control, and although I was still a bit shaky, all I could really feel was relief. The relief of getting away, and the relief of hopefully getting to start over. Getting on the plane I knew that if Switzerland couldn't save me, nothing would, but at least I would have tried.

The three months that I worked at the hotel in Sarnen were the best three months of my life. Sarnen was beautiful, I was financially independent for the first time in my life, I fell in love with one of the cooks at the hotel, I finally was able to breath, and I stopped having anxiety attacks. I was living life for the first time and soon realized that I wouldn't be going back to California for a while, at least not until I felt ready or was forced to. By the end of the Summer I had found another job that would allow me to stay through Spring, and I began to think that I might never leave.

Between then and now I have traveled all over Switzerland, worked many different jobs, met all sorts of people, and have lived a life that has been incredibly full. I can't help but choke up as I type this, because as much as I am ready to go back to California, these last five years feel a lot like the first five of my life. To this day I am surprised that I made it this far, that for once I had made the right decision, that I actually had taken the harder road, and most of all, that I am alive.

It took me five years to become the person I came here to be. I am nowhere complete, I am no where near what I want to become, but I like to think I have finally built a foundation of character and values that I am proud of. Dr. Sylvia said I wouldn't last two weeks, and as much as she was the only person to say it to my face, I know a lot of people felt the same way. I take great satisfaction in proving people wrong, so I can really only thank her for her doubt, everyones doubt. I didn't do this just to be right though, I did this for myself, and couldn't be happier to be leaving on my own terms.

I can't end this blog without giving a couple of shout-outs to those who have played a large role in my time over here:

Dr. Sylvia: If weren't for Dr. Sylvia, none of this would be possible. Dr. Sylvia gave me my introduction to Switzerland and it was through her that I was able to land the job that allowed me to come here. It was also through her doubt and fear that I pushed myself to prove her wrong, leading me to my current self. She never told me that she missed me unless I made her, but I know letting me go was never easy for her, and that she has in fact missed me more then anyone. I can say that because that's how it's been for me. I thank Sylvia for also letting me dig deep into her past, and ask a lot of questions she didn't want to answer. I am proud to say that through the years I have been able to get to know her not just as a mother, but as a woman. For that I will always be grateful.

Chef Doug: The Chef and I didn't leave on great terms when I first left to come over here. Over the years, through many a phone conversation, our relationship has changed. With the distance we were able to get to know each other, and through getting to know Doug I have been able to become a stronger and better version of myself. Through countless stories, confessions, and advice given with honesty and truth, and all based on his own experiences and flaws, I have come to see him also, not as a father, but as remarkable human being. Our similarities kept us at odds for along time, but with distance and time comes understanding, and I am proud that he's my dad. He has supported me throughout this experience, and any doubt that he might have had, thankfully never reached my ears.

My parents as a collective unit: I thank them for the countless plane tickets, and last three years of financial support. For learning to accept me for who I am, and loving me even when I made it hard to. For all the phone conversations, and trying thier best to help me become who I wanted to be, whether you understood who that was or not. For the support, love, and doubt. I get great satisfaction from having proved them wrong about a lot of things over the last five years.

My sister, Dede: Because she reads the blog every day, has always supported me even though she wasn't always sure I knew what I was doing, and for her amazing crocheting and scrapbooking talents. My sister has been my muse for a very long time now, and although we have been far apart for years, she is so deeply lodged in my conscience that I never feel I am without her.

Grossi and Grossvati: Without these two I would have had to go home before I even ended my first year. They took me in, fed me, housed me, and loved me as their own. My conversations with Grossi are one of my most valued gifts from my time spent here. She answered every question, and told every story. For the countless meals, and continual support. For the constant optimism, the love of a good fight, and endless generosity. I will forever be in debt for all that they have given me, and consider myself extremely grateful for the time we had with each other.

My aunt Elsbeth: A shout-out for being the first cool aunt I have ever had. She's the aunt I've always wanted: bohemian, an artist, an adventurer, firecly independent and stylish. When all of my other "aunts" went out of their way to make me feel like an outsider, she was the one to make me feel at home. One of the few people who never doubted me, and one of my greatest supporters. In her own right: one kick-ass lady.

My wife, MFP: It took me moving to Switzerland to mend my relationship with MFP. We hadn't talked in almost two years, and finally, a year after I had already been here we talked. A month later she was living with me at Grossi's and ended up spending two months with me in Basel. If any of my friends from home know what my life here is like, it's MFP. She is responsible for the second best Summer I ever had here (in hind-site), and through our friendship I have grown as a person. After thirteen years together, through all the love and all the fights, there is no one I trust more with my life then her. I call her my wife because we are bound together for life. She is my optimism, and through her love the hard times I have had here have been made easier. Claire Waterman, I love you.

Chung: Beautifully unique Chung. The only and last Swiss friend that I have over here. Chung is one of my best friends, and some of my best memories are from times we have spent together. We met while working at a factory, and by the second day of us talking I knew we would be friends for a very long time to come. From helping me schedule doctor's appointments, assembling my furniture, or doing my homework, Chung has helped me whenever she could. There is only one Chung, and I am glad she is mine.

Skipper: She didn't come into the picture until a year ago, and we only had nine months together before she went back to California, but those nine months were the best I have had while living in Luzern. Skipper made Luzern something more then just a beautiful city, she gave it life. When I look at the time-line of my stay here, Skipper's entrance into my journey stands out like the brightest neon. She's one of the few people who sees me for who I am, it not a bit better. When my life was in hibernation, Skipper woke me up. I thank Skipper for being Skipper, and for seeing me as gold before I saw it myself.

There are a countless amount of people who have supported me, doubted me and effected my time spent here, and to all of them I am thankful.

If there was ever such a thing as neon gold, I would be it. I love life and am thankful I get to live the one that I have. I feel like I left California dying, and am going back reborn.