Shine On

I had a really shitty day to day, so I am trying to salvage it with some Birchermuseli with strawberries and bananas, and listening to The Kook's new CD. It sometimes helps to bring a happy thought to fruition after a bad day.

Now that Easter has passed I am on the fast-track to my exams and going home. There is a lot I have to accomplish between now and the end of August, and I am having a hard time seeing how I am going to get everything done, with style no less. My days are currently filled practicing different recipes that I am going to have to make for my practical exam: caramel, candies, cakes, different chocolates, truffles, cookies, nougat, pastries, and sandwiches. Things have been going really well and everything has been coming out the way it should, until today. Today sucked. The caramel burned, the chocolate was streaky, egg whites were too cold and shocked the sugar in to clumps, I got burned by the nougat; it just didn't go well. I've been really trying hard to think positive lately, seeing how I think it's the only way I am going to get through these next few months, but today was one of those days I just wanted to come home and cry for an hour. No tears came though, and I spent the rest of the evening cleaning, doing laundry and cooking, and I feel a lot better now.

Skipper said something to me on the phone yesterday that at first I took wrong. She said,"California is not going to know what to do with you." I don't know why, but thinking about her saying that makes me smile, sitting here in my desk chair. I have absolutely no idea where I am going to be in the next couple months and although it scares the shit out of me, it feels beyond awesome to know that it will be five years later. I am enjoying the brief feeling of comfort, amid chaos.

Tonight's highlight:

"When I think now how worried I was on what little I knowed, now when I know the rest of it, it dont seem like I had anything to worry me at all. All day I have been thinking how easy it would be if I could just turn back to yesterday and not have any more to worry me than I had then."

Light In August, William Faulkner
(pink highlight: thin line, five dots, one large star)

DeDe's Revenge

First off, thank God Easter is over!! Can I get an, AMEN! I spent Easter snowed in. I wanted to spend Easter alone, and had worked six days straight, with the goal of solitude as my driving force. But, as with most things, it was too much of a good thing, and I found myself going a little bit crazy by the third night. I won't go into details, but the blood dots under my eyes are acting as this week's reminder that the time has come for me to headed to my beloved Basel to bask in the glory of Grossi and Chung.

I find myself just waiting for Spring to come at this point. I am so sick of the snow and cold. I have been wearing the same thing since November, and I think most people have grown tired of my thermal-cardigan look (I guess that's what happens when you buy three of the same sweater). I want to put my winter coat away for the last time (California Winters!), and bring out the SHAZAM I got stored in the back of my closet.

A big/late birthday shout-out to my one and only sister, who celebrated a birthday last Saturday. If you are a long time reader/lover of the blog, you probably already know that my sister is nothing short of my muse. My sister knows me better then ANYONE, and I don't necessarily mean that in a good way. She's almost freak-like in the way that she can read me when I don't want to be read. I remember this one time, we were over here in Switzerland, and a cousin of ours that I have always disliked, mentioned that she just broke up with her boyfriend. The cousin showed us a picture of her ex, who was kind of cute, and my sister turned to me and said, "Don't think about it." At that moment I hated and feared her more then any other time before. So, to my sister, Happy Birthday Sissy, you scare the shit out of me and I love you for it.

I would also like to mention that I got some great hair going on today. One of the set-backs of not leaving my apartment is that I don't get to flaunt the fro. I feel ok saying that only because I spent the first twenty-two years of my life being called Frizzle Fry and looking like a Q-Tip. I have earned this fro and I ain't going to be shy about it. Recognize.

Finally, before I go to bed, a shout-out to my beloved Chiropractor. Today was my last appointment and although I am so thankful to have my back in good working order, I am going to miss seeing his grouchy face, and our little chats. I so badly wanted to channel my inner MFP (Claire Waterman), and ask him out to drinks, but I was only wearing a beater, underwear and argyle socks, so I let the moment pass.

Totally forgot, tonight's highlight:

"MY SHIRT WAS OVER MY HEAD, COVERING MY FACE LIKE A POCKET, OR A SKULL."

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer
(pink highlighter:thick line)

Holy Sheets

For the second night in a row, I find myself waiting for my laundry. Yesterday was whites and today I am washing sheets and towels. Seriously, one of the most beautiful things in life is fresh clean sheets. My apartment is more or less ready for spectators (I spent a good twenty minutes scrubbing the stove with some sort of special cleaner), but I am still nervous at the thought of having people come in here and then judge me. How bad does that sound?

I made organic, low-fat hamburgers for dinner, and as I was peeling a yellow onion, realized what a great metaphor for people it is. Here is the way I look at it,the outer skin is more or less nothing but two or three layers of golden, superficial skin, protecting the good stuff, the usable part. Each inner layer has a thin, sticky layer surrounding it, and you have to scrape it away to get to the next layer. Then, once in the middle, the very heart of the onion, the layers are so tight that you can barely get it a part, like the soul of the onion. Look, I am not saying it's a good metaphor, this probably make no sense, it might not even be a metaphor, I was just hungry and listening to NPR, and you know, my mind was relaxed, and I thought it could be a blog.

My laundry still has another fifteen minutes, but I am going to spare you, and stop here.

DeDe, mom and dad don't love me more, I am just much better on the phone then you are. Really, give me a break, at least they never called you an "airhead" or made you take tests to make sure you weren't retarded.

Oh, and HAPPY 89th BIRTHDAY Grossi!! Now there is a woman.

Tonight's highlight:

"...it's just as bad to live in a place where what you see isn't there as it is to live in one where what you don't see is."

The Phantom Tollboth, Norton Juster
(yellow highlighter: thick line)

Fabric Softener Is For Wimps

I am tired and am waiting for my laundry to dry. I came home from work and had to deep clean my apartment because someone is coming to look at it because I am getting closer and closer to leaving. I love this apartment. It isn't big, it isn't fancy, but it is the closest thing to home that I have. It's my 6 th floor tomb, my penthouse nook, my roof top hideaway. I don't answer the door unless I know you're coming, and I obied by a strict "no pants" policy (not for guests). It feels weird showing it to strangers, especially since my walls are covered in happy thoughts and representations of who I am and who I want to be. This all might sound a bit much, when you live alone and spend that mass majority of you time in a very small studio, you begin to look at it as much more then just a place to hang your hat. Or at least that's just me.

It seems I kind of gave myself food poisoning over the weekend, or at least made myself sick. I have been eating more or less just chicken, vegetables, and fruit for a while now, and I am pretty sure I might have not cooked something through. Sometime I get to listening to NPR and things can can go forgotten. Either way, my stomach had started its mutiny while I was at the bookstore chatting with a friend I had run in to, and followed in to last night. It was like a reverse Salzburg and Skipper wasn't around to call Dr. VanDyke or heterosexual Mika. It sucked, and I was the only one to blame. I had plans to meet a good friend of mine before he leaves for Paris and ended up once again cancelling on him and spending the day in bed watching rented movies on iTunes. I did however have two great conversations with Chef Doug though. We have gotten in to this odd yet nice habit of talking on Sundays, not once, but twice. I usually call Dr.Sylvia and Chef Doug between six and seven in the morning just to make sure they haven't left the house yet (Except for my sister, we are all early risers), and then he usually calls me a couple hours later and we talk some more. Chef Doug is a really good guy, and we are extremly similar in sometimes difficult ways, but the more I realize that we share the same flaws it also becomes clear that there is a huge amount of help to be had from someone who has had years dealing with the same stuff. Not to mention we have the whole profession thing in common. The longer I spend away from both the Chef and the good Doctor, the more I am able to look at them for who they are then for what they are. I guess I am just thankful that we are able to conversations and not only arguments.

Ok, laundry's done!

Tonight's highlight:

"...but there was something definitely rootless about him, as though no town nor city was his, no street, no walls, no square of earth his home. And that he carried this knowledge with him always as though it were a banner, with a quality ruthless, lonely, and almost proud."

Light In August, William Faulkner
(pink highlighter: thin and thick limes)

Breakfast Blog

I hate being busy, and luckily I rarely am. The closer we get to Spring the more stressful life is becoming for me. When I am not studying or practicing for my exams I am stressing and think about them, they are now more or less my life. I have also been trying to go out a bit more, or at least keep plans and not always flaking an hour before. Last weekend was spent up in the mountains with Frau. For the two days we were there we only left the couch to eat, sleep and shower. It was great getting out of the city and being able to sleep a night through. Easter is just a week away now, and once it's over, the sprint to the finish starts and the closer it gets to me leaving.

In regards to leaving, I am starting to think it might not be the right thing for me. The more I narrow down the reasons for going back the more that I see it is based on two things, the first being my family and friends, it's hard living so far away from that kind of love for so long, and I just want to be around the people who love me the most for the right reasons, and whose daily absence from my life has made me realize that without the people you love, things just aren't as meaningful. The second thing would have to be that I never want to work for another Swiss person again. It sucks, it's like being a prisoner to your job. I started lightly tossing the idea around to move to Basel, but then I think about working and I start looking for tickets home online. Moving home would potentially not work. I have been living over here for the first half of my twenties, Switzerland is what I know. Listening to Skipper on the phone is like having some one telling you the horrors of getting your wisdom teeth taken out, right before you go in to do it. I hate to admit this, because it goes against all my bitching and complaining about being here, but Switzerland is the closest thing I have to home at this point in my life. Ugh, I have no idea what to do.

This was more of a journal entry then a blog, so whoops for that. I was just sitting here after having gotten a chocolate croissant and a latte from work and felt compelled to type. I went out for drinks last night with a guy I use to kind of see, and spent the duration of the time listening to him go on and on about women, women who were in the bar, women walking by, women he use to see, women he is seeing, etc. It got annoying quick but only because it felt like he was either trying to make me jealous and prove something, or that he just didn't have anything better to talk about. I had a nice time seeing him, he's an ok guy, but at ten o'clock, after a vodka and a cider, I put on my jacket and walked myself home, while he decided to stay at the bar. The walk home felt good, and I was really glad that I wasn't drunk and still had enough time to watch Lipstick Jungle before bed.

Weeks with no blog and this is the best I can come up with. I need another latte.

Today's highlight:

"Always remember, whether you be a sucker or a hustler in the world out there, you've got that vital edge if you can iron-clad your feelings. I picture the human mind as a movie screen. If you're a dopey sucker, you'll just sit and watch all kinds of mind-wrecking, damn fool movies on that screen. Son, there is no reason except a stupid one for anyone to project on that screen anything that will worry him or dull that vital edge. After all, we are the absolute bosses of that whole theater and show in our minds. We even write the script. So always write positive, dynamic scripts and show only the best movies for you on that screen whether you are pimp or priest."

PIMP, Iceberg Slim
(pink highlighter: thin line, four dots)

You Tell Me

Here are the contents of my refrigerator:

• 4 eggs
• 3 hard-boiled eggs
• cucumber eye pads
• three bottles of nail polish
• Trader Joe's tar tar sauce
• relish
• one bottle of Absolute Vodka
• five bottles of salad dressing (French, French with herbs, Cesar, Honey Dijon, and White Balsamic)
• mustard (spicy)
• fat free mayonnaise
• 350 grams ground beef
• a bag of pasta sauce
• one strawberry yogurt
• two blood orange yogurts
• garlic paste
• onion puree
• BBQ sauce
• Kinder chocolate milk & calcium sandwiches
• honey mustard
• herb-cheese spread
• creme frische
• sliced roast beef (rare)
  
• sour cream
• lemon juice
• lactose free milk
• one red bell pepper
• one and a half yellow onions
• celery
• one tomato
• a basket of cherry tomatoes
• three carrots
• the potato salad I made after school
• lemon flavored water
• lettuce hearts
• two apples
• bratsauce

My freezer:

• five fish sticks
• two hot dogs
• two pork fillets
• a loaf of American raisin bread
• my ice pack
• two bags of ice cubes frozen to the freezer
• one last strawberry-chocolate ice cream bar

Tonight's highlight:

"...misery loves company, but what it really craves is a crowd."

The Tender Bar, J.R. Moehringer
(pink highlighter, thin line)

The Cold Front

I am going to regret saying this, but it feels like time has slowed to a crawl, and Winter is never going to end. At this very moment the temperature outside my window is falling quickly from 56f to 35f. By the time I wake up tomorrow morning, there should be snow. They actually reported that we could expect snow falls until April. This is heartbreaking for me to hear, and the only thing that makes me not move to Madrid is the fact that these "weather reporters" don't know shit. Spring has until the 20th to show its ass, after that I am going to hunt that bitch down and drag it's warm weather and sunshine to Luzern. I did not buy a dress and party shoes for nothing.

I am set up for two more appointments with my chiropractor this week. I geniusly (that's not a real word) made the first appointment at the same time as P.E. tomorrow morning, so I plan on treating myself to Starbucks before school. I am going to miss my chiropractor when I am done, he has worn on me and I find myself oddly attracted to his grumpiness. For all I know the man hates me, but it some how makes him cuter, so I let him inflict pain on me.

Tonight's highlight:

"My life is like a momento mori painting from European art: there is always a grinning skull at my side to remind me of the folly of human ambition. I mock this skull. I look at it and I say, "You've got the wrong fellow. You may not believe in life, but I don't believe in death. Move on!" The skull snickers and moves even closer, but that doesn't surprise me. The reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity--it's envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can."

Life of Pi, Yann Martel
(highlight:yellow, thick and thin lines)

Acorns

I am once again back in El Desk Chair, dreading going to work tomorrow, or, ever again. If I could do anything right now it would be to grab some of my shit, strut over to the train station and buy myself a ticket to Southern Italy. To just get the fuck out of town, distance myself as far as I can from work and my apprenticeship, meet Skipper in some sort of fishing town, play backgammon, eat some calamari and smoke some Dolce. THAT is a happy thought. It kills me that I can't have that, and that I am going to wake up at five tomorrow morning to go work for a family I despise.

Today is Dr. Sylvia's birthday, so a shout-out to her. She's a ballsy one, that Sylvia, and I like her a lot. Happy Birthday MOM!

Ok, tonight's highlight:

"Although he was rarely seen studying, Ernesto's classmates in Alta Gracia unanimously noted his quickness in class. But he didn't show a competitive urge for grades, which were usually mediocre."

CHE GUEVARA: A Revolutionary Life, Jon Lee Anderson
(highlight: yellow, thick line)