Treading

I am overwhelmed. Every Tuesday I come home from school with the feeling that I got in way over my head with trying to accomplish this apprenticeship. I had to give a presentation on 2008's Spring/Summer fashion trends, it had to be fifteen minutes, and all in German with a PowerPoint presentation. I don't speak High German, I speak a Swiss dialect, which isn't really written and can't really be read, or at least I can't. I more or less had to have a good idea what I was going to say and wing it the best I could with the German I can. The presentation went fine, although I did forget the majority of what I was suppose to say. I know I am going to get through these next three months one way or the other, but my body is filled with dread and fear at the moment, and it's making me go crazy. I am trying to suck it up and just push through, to not waste my final months here not wanting to be here, but I'm having a hard time of it at the moment. I keep trying to find the right way to go about the challenges I am facing, but I haven't found a way yet, it's like walking into walls with my eyes open. We only have one chance to live life, I have only one chance to take these exams and only one chance to leave Switzerland the person I came here to become, I don't want to fuck this up.

I'm giving up the herb by this weekend, it's not something I want to do, but I didn't come this far to blow it on the haze. Doing the right thing sometimes really fucking sucks.

The Sun Is Shining, And The Weather Is Easy

Finally a weekend that didn't go to waste. Dinner last night at Grossi and Grossvati's was extremely good for me. My aunt and my cousin (who is also a pastry chef) also came over, and as we drank wine and ate, and laughed, it felt the way I think life should, full. After my aunt and cousin left, I sat with my grandparents in their living room and we began to talk about our time together over the last five years. I am extremely grateful to my grandparents, they took me in, they loved me when I wasn't very lovable, and no matter how alone I felt, I knew I always had them. I have spent hours over the last five years talking with Grossi. She answered my countless questions about my mother, and our family history, and life in general (she's 89, so you know she's seen some stuff). She was there through every boyfriend, and every breakup, every job, every long winter. I could have never asked for a better set of grandparents, and consider myself beyond lucky for the time we have spent together.

I got of a bit of a sun burn while sitting on the Rhein, but it was small price to pay for a couple hours of peace and contentment. I got some writing done and just sat in a haze at the base of the river loving how the color of the water changes with the temperature; it just enforces the on coming of good weather. I need good weather right now.

I'm trying to calm down and relax on things a bit, but I am finding it hard. I'm restless and antsy and am getting tired of myself. Wait, you know what? I had a really nice weekend, I am not going to start complaining, I have nothing to even really complain about. Life is good, and I hope everyone else had a good weekend too.

Filled With Beauty

I am ending this work week, tired and with a very swollen and blue knee (I ate shit at work yesterday slipping on a wet spot, turning a corner). Either way, this week sucked, and I have this weekend off, only to go in for six hours tomorrow to prep some stuff for my bake-off. I am now sitting in my desk chair, wearing Harold, listening to Johnny Cash.

My bake-off is continuing to slowly decay my mind. All I think about it baking. At night I lay awake thinking of different cake decorations, or recipes, or time plans. It doesn't stop and I am stressing happy thoughts. Every couple years I go through these periods of having to face big challenges alone (ok, I think the same goes for everyone), and this is just one of those times. Skipper keeps reminding me what this whole experience is turning me into and I can't help but love to hear it. I need to hear it. I hate the thought that I am just knocking down days, living to be free from having to be anywhere. I can't wait to be able to just go wherever I want to. I can't wait to finally be able to be with my family and friends again! To be able to just go home. To have the freedom to leave. Just typing it out makes my heart swell and reminds me why I go in on my days off: three more months and I am gold.

I am heading to Basel tomorrow evening, Frau is dropping me off at my grandparents, and then Sunday morning I plan on spending my morning-afternoon on the Rhein: warm weather, water, and little bit of haze. It's suppose to be in the low 70's, the warmest day since October, and there is no place I rather be then sitting on the Rhein. Out of all the things I am going to miss about Switzerland, sunny days on the Rhein will probably be in the top three.

It's Friday night, and I am rocking a tight fro. Backgammon, Vodka Sours, gold cocktail rings, men who wear scarves, the ice crusher: these are my happy thoughts.

A Wrinkle In Time

Today was horrible. I had planned on writing a blog about it, but it's late and I need to sleep. Because everyone left such nice comments on the last blog, I am going to show you what was on my camera from this last week. I use to put up a lot of pictures, but once Skipper left so did my life, and now I usually just take pictures of the lake. It's random, but a hell of a lot better then listening to me bitch about my day.

Lil'Carney, thanks for the quote, it was totally highlight worthy.

Dede, where is my letter?

Skipper, I expect you to bring a bottle of Trader Vic's Mai Tais to my Bake-Off, or have a bottle ready for right after. I refuse to toast with anything else. Make sure it is the one with the booze already in it, and not the mix. BevMo carries it, and my sister has a membership card, so she might be able to hit you up with a discount.

Oh, and they found someone for my apartment, so that's is that.

Not my best angle. Lil' Sam is happy though.

April 20th.

One of my favorite guys ever, Big Dan

Peach Tiramisu,with the dark chocolate woodgrain effect.

Just like an old station wagon, I got grain.

Last shot, white sponge soaked with peach cognac, mascarpone filling, and peach slices. The decoration on top is whip cream, dark chocolate, and peaches. SHAZAM!

The view from my study spot.

Crap-tastic

It's been another failure of a weekend, and once again I am finding myself glad to be rid of free time, yet dreading going back into work and being around my coworkers. I am choking on the last couple months of being here and can feel stress of the oncoming finale to the last five years. I decided to finish this alone, to not make any new friends, to just get my work done and peace-out, but am seeing now the difficulties that have come with my decision. I am so full of anxiety, stress, fear, and uncertainty and have no one around to tell me what I want to hear, to calm me down and give me a hug, and no one else to blame for it but myself.

For years I have live with two quotes in my heart, the first by Dante,

"I myself, I alone, helped prepare myself to sustain the war."

and the other by Jay-Z,

"Either love me, or leave me alone."

As much as I believe in the first one, and try and live by the last, they can make life a bit lonely. A long time ago I started to live my life like I was at war, but never really had anything to fight. It might have come from listening to too much Hip Hop, or watching the Godfather too many times, or always feeling outnumbered by living in a foreign country, but in the last few months I have begun to see that having this war mentality, always being ready for a fight, me against whatever, is not only pointless and stupid, but is not making me any happier. I am a middle-class white girl whose family and friends love, and have had that awesome opportunity to live in Switzerland, and bakes cookies for a living. So I guess what my question to myself the last couple months is, what battle am I trying to fight and with whom?

Today was spent siting on the lake studying different doughs and leveners, and then coming back to my apartment to watch movies and stare at the wall. I just got off the phone with Skipper, and feel better after having gotten to vent, and getting a bit of a grip on reality. Right now all I want to do is be heard, even if I am just saying the same thing over and over. It's just time for me to go home.

A shout-out to Skipper, thank you for saying most of what I wanted/needed to hear. I believe that most things happen for a reason, I can't wait to find out what the reason for you not being here right now is. To say the least, it sure as fuck better be a good one.

Nudity

I want to preface this by stating that I am out of my mind at the moment, so not only is proof-reading not going to be an option tonight, I might just end it in mid thought.

Yesterday was nothing short of crap. My boss was in an extremely foul mood and decided that I was the cause of it. It was like trying to make chocolate truffles with a rabid bear in the room. At one point I actually had to go and stand by the cookie freezer (yes, a freezer full of cookies) and take a couple deep breaths. And what had made the bear so angry to begin with, I had made the comment, at 5:30 in the morning, that almonds and hazelnuts are really both just nuts. As if to imply that all nuts are the same. Yes, this is the reason that he yelled in my face, this is the reason why he then stopped talking to me and ignored me for the rest of the day. Luckily, I had an appointment for a massage at a spa near my apartment. It had been a gift from the good Dr. Sylvia, and after pulling my neck in the shower I had made an appointment. I am not going talk about the massage experience, mainly because although it was nice, it was an extremely awkward hour. The Swiss definitely have different boundaries of what they massage then the ones I know in California. Thank you Dr. Sylvia, but I think I'll hold of on the next one for when I get home in August.

Today was spent mostly staring at the wall. I love mornings on my days off, but I dread the days. I have nothing to do with my time aside from preparing for my exams, and the last thing I want to do on my day off is something having to do with my exams! It was a failure of a day, and I'm kind of happy to go to bed now, broken and drained, only to wake up at three to go bake zopf. I know, I know, woe is me, I still have nothing to really complain about.

No quote tonight kids, Daddy has got to go sleep this shit off.

Kiss My What?

My sister, Dede, just sent me a reminder that nine years ago today our grandpa died. Nine years. He was an amazing grandpa and Dede and I loved him a lot. I remember getting the call that he was in the hospital, Dede drove down from college, and we were both in the room when he died. My grandpa could fix anything, recorded everything, loved photography, had a bad-ass record collection, looked great in a v-neck cardigan, always carried hard candy in his pockets, had no sense of direction, always smelled a little like a garage, taught me to put relish in tuna salad, had the softest, most worn hands, he was magical, the way you would want a grandpa to be.

So a shout out-to Guido, we miss you.

A Golden Mess

I've been trying to think positive these last couple weeks, but this week has sucked so far and it's only Tuesday. My final exams are starting to suffocate me, and I am in need of another Salzburg to remind me how good normality can be. My days are just a cold and gray blur of baking. In the morning the happy thoughts don't come easily and I keep resorting to memories of a fountain in Berlin. That was an amazing three days.

Do you ever wonder who you are? Like, if someone was to ask you "who are you," and not mean your name, what would you tell them? I hate this question. I was watching a tv show, or maybe a movie, where a woman my age was applying for something and was asked this question and walked out of the interview because she wasn't able to give an answer. Sometimes on my walks that question comes to mind ,and every time it does I have to fight to change the record. How can you even begin to answer something like that? When I start to think about who I am I get overwhelmed by contradictions. Which could be my answer, I am a contradiction, but I think that would be way to simple. When I think about who I am as a person I get easily frustrated. There is a huge gap between who I am, who I think I am and who I want to be. I just think it would be cool to have a solid answer, but I don't, and so I guess if I were ever asked my answer would be, "not too sure yet."

This is where your mind goes when you spend too much time in a small, yet colorful, apartment.

I made hamburgers for dinner and had a banana split for dessert.

Tonight's highlight was almost not posted due to it's level of truth, so enjoy:

"This was not my moment to be seeking romance and (as day follows night) to further complicate my already knotty life. This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude."

Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
(pink highlighter: thick line: three dots)

The LZ

I woke up at seven this morning to go into work to finish a cake gone wrong. I have to make a coated caked for my final (you pour chocolate/butter cream/coating over the cake to coat it), I stupidly chose butter cream because it's got a bit of 1950's feel to it and there is nothing more kitsch the the 50's. The thing is, we use butter cream out of a box, which is nothing short of disgusting. The cake is a pineapple and rum flavored and to be honest, it's disgusting. I wouldn't even make this cake for someone I didn't like, it's like eating a cheap pineapple candle from T.J.Maxx. Either way, I just got home from finishing it and find myself writing a blog to prolong having to study. After I am done studying I am going back into work to make more marzipan skulls, and then need to finish the cover pages for my 170 page recipe book. I don't think my weekend could get any more enjoyable (please not the sarcasm).

Morning is my favorite time of day, especially early, before the sun is up. Luzern is one of those few cities that you can be almost entirely alone in at six in the morning on a Saturday. It's one of my favorite things about the city, that you can roam the streets and even go into the central part of the city and feel like you are the only person there. As if everyone left in the middle of the night, and the city is mine to have. I feel so close to this city, and now when I go on my daily struts my heart begins to clench with the thought that I am giving it up. It's still time for me to go, but it is going to feel like leaving a close friend. From the first time I came to Luzern five years ago, I knew that this was where I wanted to live and after three years of having it love me and suffocate me at the same time, I can safely say that Luzern has carved a notch in my heart.

Ok, enough procrastinating, I have to study.

Not a highlight, but if it was in a book it would be:

"I don't do anything I don't love anymore… I loved the flashing lights vid so it didn't matter 2 me if someone one else didn't. While people chase money I pursue happiness. So many people talk about there investments or how much money they have but there's so many rich people who spend a lot of that trying 2 buy a piece of happiness. If there's anything my mom taught me is to enjoy life. I just recorded my first verse in the last 6 months 2 days ago at Bape's Studio in Japan. It felt good and I was inspired. I absolutely lost my mind (in a good way) on the new Glow in the Dark tour. The constant hours of creating helped me 2 keep from loosing my mind in a bad way. Chris Milk told me tragedy can produce great art and this is definitely true. I am a total mad man now, up till 3 am every night, trying 2 fight pain, board-um, and uncertainty with creativity. All that said, life is good….. good as finding the perfect fabric for a simple one button casual blazer with matching pants."

My hero, Kanye West

Seriously?

Skipper says she wants a blog, but I am not feeling much of anything this week, so I can't promise you any gold. I just spent the last hour writing a blog that I just now deleted. It's been like this all week. I have been trying to write the same blog over and over, but for some reason it just doesn't come out right and I find myself trying to find the words. Nothing feels real at the moment. It's just work. The only people I see during the week are my co-workers and I am REALLY starting to hate them, even the ones I like. I guess it's just like that the closer you get to the end. I know I say it a lot, but it's time for me to go.

A good friend tried to hurt me last weekend. It sucks when friends want to hurt you, they are the only ones that really know how. I was hit low, but even if I was hurt I wouldn't admit it, not even to myself. After the words were said, I kept getting asked if I was hurt and I kept saying "no." At this point, when it comes to matters of the heart, I can't feel a whole lot. I was told by my friend that they could never love me as a girlfriend. I hadn't asked if they could, but they had wanted to pay me back for never having responded to hints about the prospect of us dating. We ended up leaving on good terms, he's moving to Paris and we won't see each other before I move back, but it was only due to four vodka-sours on an empty stomach.

Being told something like that doesn't have to hurt to stick. It just sucks when it's an old friend that says something like that, especially when I hadn't even put myself out there to be rejected. I try to avoid rejection at all costs, it's one of the reasons I don't leave my apartment and didn't talk to the guy at the ATM. The whole thing effected my week and seeing as how it was the last time we were going to see each other for a good while, it just left me feeling like I got played. My friend was looking for drama, but I was just looking for a good drink.

I still have nothing to really complain about though, but I am starting to feel like I am choking on my life. This is what happens when you have no life. You better get ready though because when I get back to California, things are going to change...

What an idiot thing to say, "I could never love you as a girlfriend." He's going to regret that one, I am not even solid gold yet.

Sorry, no highlight tonight.

Sweet Aurom

As I walked home from work the other day I realized that I have nothing to be unhappy about, nothing. It's a nice realization to have too. I spend so much time stressing and complaining, and it's ridiculous to then realize that I do it for the should reason to have something to say. It's a sad truth, but finding that things are actually really good makes things a lot better. I am actually starting to get the hang of being busy and productivity is actually a really positive thing. I'm not dreading the bake off, I'm a bit nervous, but I know that I can do it. I found something that I really like doing and am actually good at, that's not an easy find at any age, and as much as I keep trying to make a future gray, it's actually really gold. Moving back to California is also not as bad as I keep twisting it to be. I get to have the people who mean the most to me back in my life. I get to see my sister, I get to mind vomit with Skipper, I get to drive the 101 with MFP, I get to hang with Doctor Sylvia, and lunch with Lil' Carney. I get to drive again, and will once again be able to shop at Trader Joe's and Target, not to mention Happy Hour at Vic's. Switzerland is awesome, and Luzern is the first place I have ever felt a connection to, but Switzerland isn't going anywhere, and it's time for another adventure. Life gets boring for me when I stay too long in one place, it's time to bring the Fro back into circulation, there is no point in wasting such good hair on the four walls of my apartment.

It must be obnoxious to have to read about how good I feel right now, but it has to beat hearing me complain about being tired and working too much all the time. Plus, it's still my blog.

I finished writing the list of everything I have to make for the bake off, so here it is for those of you who have no idea what I am doing (keep in mind I have nine hours to complete all items from start to finish, and there will be two Master Chefs around evaluating me for the duration):

1. Three Butter cakes (something like a pound cake)
2. approx. 24 "Schoggi-S" (Chocolate Italian Meringue cookie)
3. approx. 12 large and 24 smaller (bite-size) Coconut Macaroons
4. 20 Brioches
5. 10 Apfel im Schlafrock (a half apple packed in puff-pastry with almond paste)
6. 10 Prussien (caramelized puff-pastry cookies)
7. 2 pounds of "Apero Geback" (appetizer snacks, i.e. mini ham croissants, egg filled puff-pastry)
8. 4 different canapes, 5 of each (open-faced sandwiches that are decorated and gelled)
9. 4 different sandwiches, 4 of each (tuna, ham-cheese, roast beef, and cheese)
10. 4 different pastries, 8 of each (glazed lemon tartlet, fruit basket (with hand-piped chocolate handles), peach-tiramisu, pat-e-choux swans, and Mohrenkopf (chocolate fondant covered ball filled with vanilla cream)
11. 5 different types of bite-sized cookies, approx. 20 of each, and three types must be filled (sugar cookies filled with raspberry-strawberry jelly, almond ducks, mini macaroons, and three undecided)
12. 4 cakes out of a butter mass (undecided)
13. 1 recipe of my choice from my recipe book (undecided)
14. Pineapple-Rum Butter cream cake for ten people
    
15. Peach-Tiramisu cake for ten people
    
16. Butter ganache (for a piped out praline)
17. Either a basic ganache, gianduja (a mass made out of roasted nuts, sugar and chocolate), or french marzipan (the expert decides the morning of the exam what it will be)
18. Either caramel, nougat, honey nougat, or fruit gelees ( I have to make two of the four, one I can decide one the expert will decided the morning of)
19. 2 lbs. of praline, 6 different types, min. 2 different type of chocolates (white truffles, gold rum pralines hand-painted with dark and milk chocolate, white Italian nougat dipped in dark, pistachio marzipan dipped in dark, butter ganache pralines dipped in dark, nougat praline dipped in dark)
20. Two different chocolate forms (i.e. Easter bunnies, cows, dinosaurs)
21. 3 "fantasy pieces" (I am making a small "wood" treasure chest out of dark and milk chocolate with a marzipan octopus draped over it)
22. 1 show piece (I am making mine out of chocolate, that's all I am going to say for now...)

I will be graded on a scale of 1-6 for each item, 4 being a passing grade. My final grade will be comprised of my verbal, and written finals, made grades for the last three years, a language-economics-politics-law final for another class, and then the practical. The bake off is June 24 th, so I think that leaves me with less then 3 months.

If you are getting sick about hearing about baking, try another blog for a while, no hard feelings, but I am left with little else to write about.

Today's highlight:

"Never lose touch with the importance of the soul and one's sentiments. Life can be a vast, arid field where the seed one sows often grows away from all that is good."

The House Of Gucci, Sara Gay Forden
(yellow highlight:thick line)

Sugar Burns

I want to start off apologizing for the shadiness of this blog. I am exhausted and have to be up at three-thirty in the morning to go to work. There will be no proof-reading, and I am probably not going to try very hard to even make sense. Luckily you either love me and forgive me, or hate me and are already asshole, so who cares what you think.

I had a really great day, and it has nothing to do with the awesome fro I am rocking as I type this. My arms are burned from candy making, and by the time I got off work today I was actually able to peel chunks of chocolate of my shirt. For my "Bake-Off" (as Skipper has insisted I call it), I am required to make three cakes (and a bunch of other stuff), a sliced cake (a cake cut into slices, each slice being decorated individually), a coated cake (I am making a pineapple-rum butter cream cake), and a butter cake (something like a pound cake). There has been a lot of controversy over my sliced cake in the last week (yes, cake controversy), I am making a peach-tiramisu and have decorated the cake with a chocolate wood-grain effect. I know that you probably are having a hard time imagining what it looks like, but believe me when I tell you that not only am I the only apprentice that is using a wood-grain effect on a cake, but my cake tastes like Mascarpone heaven. Either way, everyone was really sceptical if it would work and I was beyond happy to find out that it did and that my cake design was approved! I am really starting to enjoy spending nine hours doing nothing but practicing for my "Bake-Off," I spent my shift making Brioches, Mohrenkopf, Gelee Bonbon, three eggs out of nougat, Prussien, and the head of my chocolate pirate sculpture. After my shift tomorrow morning I am coming home for a couple hours sleep and then have to go back in to make skull-totem polls out of marzipan.

Seriously, I am wasting an awesome fro on the four walls of this apartment. I am going to start hanging out at the ATM more.

Tonight's highlight:

"And the confusing point is this: All useful things have a price, and are bought only with money, as that is the way the world is run."

The Ballad Of The Sad Cafe, Carson McCullers
(pink highlighter: thick line)

Love At The ATM

I am silently, inwardly, freaking out right now. I have just got WAY too much going on, and it's starting to feel like dodging semi-trucks. I had today off and was busy from eight-thirty this morning to eight-thirty tonight. It's like I was never busy my whole entire life until now. I really just need to grow up and be productive, and stop whining s

I fell in love at the ATM yesterday. I was in a hurry to pick something up, but had to stop at the ATM first to pick up money. As I walk around the corner to the ATM next to the Coop, I saw the man of my dreams. Then, and this isn't going to sound like anything to you, but I swear, for a Swiss guy this was amazing, he smiled at me and said, "Hi." It was at that moment that I cursed having headphones on. I couldn't take them off without looking weird (because what if he didn't say anything else), but he wouldn't say anything else if I had them in. So, I did what I always do when I find myself in this situation, I finished getting my money, said goodbye and walked away quickly. He was too perfect: tall, scruffy, glasses, with a smile that lit my face on fire. On the way home I thought of all the things I could have said, and continued to course my iPod.

I made glazed chicken wings for dinner and they were amazing. It's all in the honey.

I'm falling asleep, so I am going to end this with, good night.

Tonight's highlight:

"We sweat for our pretensions."

Half A Grapefruit, Alice Munro
(yellow highlighter:thick line)