Sweet Bitterness

Another weekend wasted. Today was yet again another religious holiday in Luzern, so everyone had off, and since it was really nice weather everyone was on the lake, except for me that is. For the first time in over a year I slept until noon, and then spent the rest of the day puttering around my small hole of an apartment. I left my apartment once, a couple hours ago to buy a six pack of the cheapest Mexican beer I could find and then came back and watched a movie. I don't know if I just didn't feel like wading through the crowds to get to my study spot on the water, or if I was hiding from The Bake-Off, I think it might have been a bit of both. To be really honest, in the last ten days I haven't had any sort of contact with anyone outside of work, a fact that makes me feel like I should worry, but I'm not. There will be a time soon enough where I will most likely be wishing for solitude, so maybe this is my chance to get my fill. Not to mention, I was able to enjoy to day without having to wear pants for more then a half hour, which makes me happy.

It seems that yesterday's blog made Dr. Sylvia cry, which makes me smile, because I, like the sissy that I am becoming cried the whole duration of writing it. I don't know what had me yesterday, I feel fine today, but it felt really good to break my candy coating for a moment. Skipper always jokes about my caramel center, something that I can't seem to easily share with most, and something I sometimes fear of losing. Bitterness can sometimes do that to person though.

Bitterness. A dear friend of mine admitted to being bitter the other day and it gave me the greatest sense of relief to hear, it allowed me for the first time in a long time to admit that I too am bitter. Bitterness in regards to what? Bitterness in regards to matters of the heart.

Every time in the past six years that a relationship has ended for me, I travel. Whether it has been to Switzerland, California, or even Paris, I just can't seem to stick around while the dust settles. With so many trips, and so many disappointments, I now know to start looking for tickets in advance. It has gotten to the point now though, that I find myself better at getting over a relationship then at being in the actual relationship. In fact, my last relationship took me a good fifteen minutes to let go of, and no tears came by the time we both hung up the phone. Some people called me cold, some were worried, quite a few judged me behind my back, but when it comes to love lost I rather just move on and keep searching. Unfortunately, I find myself up against another wall, this time a wall bitterness and doubt, and it has kept me from looking for a good six months now.

How many times do you have to get swept off your feet and then dropped on your ass, to start to look at love as a mere fantasy, contrived from films, music, TV, and books of fiction. Then you go deeper, what is love? Is it a feeling? Is it a word? Is it a connection, or a bond? Or is it an ability? I have been in love, or deep states of like or infatuation, I have told men that I love them, and have heard it in return. In the end I have come away with the feeling that love is a word as easily said as taken back.

Typing this does not make me feel happy, or strong, or proud. Typing this makes worry, and scares me a bit. I hate being bitter, I get no satisfaction from the negative feelings that have towards my exes, most of the time I wish I could go back to when I was eightteen, thinking that my love life, if I was patient enough, would turn out to be a lot like Sixteen Candles. I would never go as far to say that I have given up for the future, I haven't, not even through this barrier of bitterness I find myself incased in. Slowly as time passes, I find myself a bit more interested in the prospect of dating again. I no longer have the same hopes that I did five years ago, I think I am a bit more realistic, but as Summer nears and I am finally able to leave Switzerland (definitely not a place I would ever try dating in again) I find my heart defrosting ever so slowly. I don't mind single-hood, sometimes it can get a tad lonely, but never to the point where I forget that life is about more then just compliments and snuggling.

In no ways do I want this blog to come off as man-hating. Men are not the problem, certain men and the experiences I have had with them are, but not men in general. I am lucky to know quite a few amazing men, men that I admire and respect, just not ones that I am looking to date. The friend who had admitted their bitterness was also wise enough to state the obvious, that this just a phase, that sometimes after being hurt by someone you trusted and felt close to, your only way of protecting yourself is to avoid what once hurt you. I get the feeling that come August, my heart will be in a warmer state. That doesn't mean that I will necessarily find myself in a position to use it, it just means that I will be a bit more open to thought and prospect of those dangerous warm and fuzzy feelings. In the mean time I have come to realize that the love I have always wanted to find in one person, is actually given to me by beautiful and amazing family and friends, everyday, whenever I need it, and that in its self is nothing short of awesome.