It's been another failure of a weekend, and once again I am finding myself glad to be rid of free time, yet dreading going back into work and being around my coworkers. I am choking on the last couple months of being here and can feel stress of the oncoming finale to the last five years. I decided to finish this alone, to not make any new friends, to just get my work done and peace-out, but am seeing now the difficulties that have come with my decision. I am so full of anxiety, stress, fear, and uncertainty and have no one around to tell me what I want to hear, to calm me down and give me a hug, and no one else to blame for it but myself.
For years I have live with two quotes in my heart, the first by Dante,
"I myself, I alone, helped prepare myself to sustain the war."and the other by Jay-Z,
"Either love me, or leave me alone."As much as I believe in the first one, and try and live by the last, they can make life a bit lonely. A long time ago I started to live my life like I was at war, but never really had anything to fight. It might have come from listening to too much Hip Hop, or watching the Godfather too many times, or always feeling outnumbered by living in a foreign country, but in the last few months I have begun to see that having this war mentality, always being ready for a fight, me against whatever, is not only pointless and stupid, but is not making me any happier. I am a middle-class white girl whose family and friends love, and have had that awesome opportunity to live in Switzerland, and bakes cookies for a living. So I guess what my question to myself the last couple months is, what battle am I trying to fight and with whom?
Today was spent siting on the lake studying different doughs and leveners, and then coming back to my apartment to watch movies and stare at the wall. I just got off the phone with Skipper, and feel better after having gotten to vent, and getting a bit of a grip on reality. Right now all I want to do is be heard, even if I am just saying the same thing over and over. It's just time for me to go home.
A shout-out to Skipper, thank you for saying most of what I wanted/needed to hear. I believe that most things happen for a reason, I can't wait to find out what the reason for you not being here right now is. To say the least, it sure as fuck better be a good one.
4 comments:
even when you are at war, you are a beautiful spectacular event. it's neat to watch your awareness develop and unfold. our conversations are gonna be epicly deep this june and july.
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the TV Digital, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://tv-digital-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.
You've come so far and grown up so much in your time over there. I'm so proud of you sister and I CAN'T WAIT to have you home again.
Hey you -- I totally feel you. While you've been in Switzerland, I've been in Texas for 4 years which basically is like living in a foreign country, too!
One of my favorite quotes comes from "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rainer Maria Rilke and Letter 4 says, in part:
"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
Post a Comment