Goodbye, Chronic

My thoughts are sparse. I finished off the last of the Dack this evening, and won't be purchasing anymore, for a while. It kind of sucks and I am not to stoked about it, but it's time. Just time. Too much time has been wasted of sitting in this desk chair staring at the walls. I am not mature enough to balance both, and when faced with the choice between The Haze or my future, well, I want money, so the Future it is.

There are some who are going to hate me writing about this, hate reading this, but I need to type this out, and seeing how this is my blog, I'll type what i like.

I have lived in The Haze for two solid years now, day after day. It was fine at first, but the hole I had been trying to fill had grown, after I had made a trip home for vacation. I started living alone and soon fell in to hibernation. The hole began to grow as opposed to shrink, as so many people had promised. It needed to be filled and The Haze filled it. Things were bearable, time passed! I had no reason to be awake and was fine not having to be. There was nothing I would smoke before, except church, I went to church with Skipper once and out of respect didn't smoke. But I thought about it.

I have an addictive personality, and that's not an excuse. I am not a good person when it comes to things like this. The Haze is nothing compared to the past, but it's just as bad. It's all about filling the hole.

Then I met my man, and the hole magically shrank. I had been lonely for a very long time and I had been looking for someone to ask me how my day was. I found someone I liked enough to maybe start considering the concept of sobriety. I'm not big on changing for other people and I wouldn't call my man the main cause, but he factors in, not to mention when I am with him (which is at the moment not an option) Dack isn't much of a thought.

My future plays the major role in my decision. I am going to be turning twenty-five in a couple months, and am nowhere near where I thought I would be, in fact if you told me this would be my life, living in Switzerland and baking cookies, I would have cried. Things are starting to get a bit more stressful and although I still have another nine moths, I have the feeling time is going to start to speed up. Often I have dreams about being put in situations I am unprepared for, I hate surprised, and if I don't stop smoking, well, I could potentially fuck up everything I have suffered for.

Lately when I go to bed, and I think of what I am thankful for and I think about what's wrong, I notice that the stress and frustration with not getting my shit done all has to do with this habit. It's a time suck, a motherfucking time suck, and I need time now. Good Lord, i shouldn't be posting this in a blog. But I hope by stating it, it will make it clear why future blogs won't be so hazed out.

TOTALLY not proof read, enjoy those typos!