I Am A Whiner

I am laying in bed as I type this. I turned out the lights twenty minutes ago but sleep doesn't seem to want to come.

I have had the last three days off, I spent Saturday in Basel but came back yesterday, and have remained in my apartment due to horrible abdominal pain. At one point I took out my garbage (while gathering my garbage I managed to hit my head on the corner of the door and added a nice cut to my head to match my bruises and scratches left over form last week) and went to the store for Diet Coke and some food, but I haven't had much of an appetite so I didn't seem to really buy much. Mostly I have spent my time in bed reading, my Sheep, Moritz, by my side. In fact, in the last three days I have read over 670 pages, something I haven't been able to do since March of 2005. At the moment reading is the only thing I really feel like doing, it allows me to focus on problems that are not my own, something that I relish right now.

My time spent in Basel was split into three facets, talking about my mother's past with my grandparents, reading and then going to the carnival with Chung. By the time I got to my Grandparent's house my good feelings from the morning had worn off and I was left in a deep funk. Unfortunately for Chung, my melancholy mood played third wheel on our carnival excursion. None the less Chung cheered me up and I can recall laughing once or twice. She was very sweet given the state I was in, buying us Gluhwine and pointing out Crants and mullets. I left Chung at around seven, I was tired and wanted nothing more then to crawl into my twin bed at Grossi's and sleep off my mood. I woke up the morning not having realized that Switzerland had set it's clocks back for Daylight Savings. I left Grossi's soon after lunch and was in bit of a hurry to get back to my apartment and bask in solitude. By the time I finally got back I started to feel sick and got in to bed. I was thankful when it finally got dark out because I thought that maybe all I really needed to feel better was for the weekend to end, but seeing how sleep didn't come easily I just tossed and turned. When I finally did fall asleep all I could dream about was being on the run with Harry Potter. NEVER READ HARRY POTTER BEFORE BED. I was so tired but needed to wake myself in order to change dreams but there were no happy thought to latch on to so I opened my log and tried to read from my last entry only to find that June hadn't been a good month for me. I woke up at six this morning only to start reading again and did so until noon when I decided to take a nap. I tried to keep my mind out of where it has been but in reality I just felt like sulking the day away.

Thinking about it now, none of this makes for a very interesting blog, but I haven't been very interesting as of late. I also don't want to type what I really have on my mind because I have been flip-flopping all day. At one moment I am angry and the next I am sad. To many feelings, to much energy and too much time alone have turned me into what I am now, a whiny, self-absorbed, pile of mush. I tried going on a walk to straighten myself out but felt so sick five minutes in that I had to turn back and crawled back in to bed. Luckily Moritz was waiting.

And so now I just sit waiting for sleep to find me. I have school tomorrow, P.E. at the start of the morning and am actually glad to have a reason to not mope around my hole of an apartment. I hate feeling like this, I feel pathetic and lame, but it's the state of things. I hate feeling so much and it makes me miss The Haze for the simple reason that it allowed me to mute everything I feel. I am just antsy and anxious and I hate it. I miss being sedate and not thinking before I got to bed, this is just hard for me, but not the worst of my problems at the moment. I don't even want to think about any of it though, I just want to sleep and sleep and then maybe take a nap. I want to disappear into the woods and find a nice and cozy cabin and stay there for a very very long time, alone, away from what everyone thinks they know.

Ok, I am going to try this whole sleep thing again and hope it comes, I don't want to be awake any more, and I don't want to feel like this any more. Sorry this is so whiny and a downer, my mom keeps telling me to stop being so self-absorbed, but I wouldn't even know how.