Missing The Cliche

At the end of august I spent five days in Italy with my classmates. I dreaded the trip and could only bitch about having to go. The funny thing is, it has been all I have been able to think about this week, acting as my "happy thought."

For as much of pain in the ass as it was, me going down there, bunking in a room of 25 teenage girls, wanting to just be back in Luzern, or better said back in California, I only have good feelings when I think back on the experience. Cinque Terre was dirty and frustrating, but the day we spent in Monaco I won't soon forget. The ocean, the weather, just the art of seeing something new, seeing something I never thought I would. My man was also very much in love with me, and things hadn't gotten to the point they are now. Missing someone you love while looking out over a moon lit ocean, well, sometimes it's a beautiful thing to live in a cliche. It also gave me the feeling of doing something, experiencing life, living the life people expect you to while in your twenties and living in Europe.

My life slowed down a lot since then. It's no longer five countries in a week, but working The Grind, and wondering why I feel so lonely. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's because I am not smoking, maybe it's the state of things with my man and I, maybe it's Skipper's absence, maybe it's just a combination. At the moment I feel very much alone, mainly because I am. I've made my life very small, and have no real interest in making it bigger. The honest truth? I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

I'm not in a funk, I am just putting my time in, waiting for my plane back to California. California. The more and more I think about, if it weren't for my family and friends I wouldn't be all that ready to go back. Not to say that I would want to Switzerland, my time here is up. When I really think about it there is no real place I even want to be, except three miles in to a deep dark wood where there is a small wood cabin waiting for me. It's funny what loneliness and November can do to a person. Ok, maybe funny isn't the right word.

I have to be up at 3:30 am to work the Saturday shift and want to finish my book before I go to bed. Excuse me for writing yet another downer of a blog. I guess I just don't have my marbles straight.