If Things Were Different, I Could Be Cool

It's Saturday night and I am sitting in my desk chair, debating on whether or not I should go out. In case you caught last night's blog, which I took down for a couple different reasons, I was suppose to get drinks tonight with a guy I know. I predicted that I would cancel, and I did. He wasn't excited about it, but I didn't worry about it, I have the right to break plans if I want to. A few minutes later and old friend of mine called to invite me out with her and her friend for a girls night out. So that's where I am at now, trying to figure out what's better, to go through my party clothes and go out, or to watch a DVD, take a Nyquil, and call it a night.

The more I think about it the more I start to realize how much I cut myself out of the social-scene in Luzern, not to say I was ever a part of it, definitely not, but at least before, when Skipper was here, I actually saw people. Now I find myself coming home from work and staying in my apartment until my next shift. I constantly break plans, Chung being the only person I am actually seeing outside of work since I have been back from California. I have NO INTEREST in going out, being around people, getting dressed up, drinking, and going out into the cold. On the other hand, I can't help but worry that I am totally crippling myself, and that it would probably be good for me to just go out and be twenty-five. Why can't it be cool to just want to stay home and watch documentaries in you favorite sweater, eating a nice pork fillet and side salad, going to bed early, listening to books on tape? I would be the coolest girl out there if only society wasn't so wasted. When it all comes down to it though, the main reason I haven't gone out in over four months has been Skipper's absence. Without Skipper, the photo shoots, Cola Light, Nupro, Backgammon, country potatoes, and the balcony, going out to the bars seems pointless. Not to mention I don't want to spend all of Sunday hungover and hating the world.

The thing that bothers me the most, is that spending so much time alone gives me very little inspiration to blog. I have nothing to pull from anymore. The things I think about aren't things that would be worth blogging about. I have Blogger's Block, and I am not sure how shake it. I don't know, but the closer it moves to Spring, the more and more I feel the loss of Skipper and the more noticeable her absence becomes in every blog.

What I'm saying is, although I am extremly hopeful for this new year, I can't help but feel a bit conflicted and lost at the moment. Right now I am just hoping for a window.