Snow & The Return Of The Baby Zebra

Saturday morning I got a phone call telling me that a huge snow storm was coming in, and that I should postpone my trip up to the mountains for another weekend.

Fifteen minutes before that phone call, I had just hung up on another. This first call didn't go as planned, in fact thinking about it now, I feel a mixture between feeling like I fucked up, and knowing that I also didn't want to feel like crap anymore. With that said, there was no way I was going to stay in my apartment for three days. I needed to be alone, I needed to get away from the Internet, my desk chair, and I really needed to watch some tv.

So I braved it. I packed sandwiches, and lasagna, and the makings for a pizza, bought a DVD player and ventured out into the sub-zero degree weather to Sorenberg. It took a train, a bus and a trek through ankle deep snow to get to the house, but it felt amazing to walk into the warm cabin.

I spent the first five minutes like I always do when I go up to the house. I took out a can of hair spray and took off one shoe and went looking for spiders. The cabin is made out of wood and sits between two big barns, so we aren't talking about Daddy Long-Legs, we are talking about RODENT size spiders that leave nasty stains when faced with my shoe. The hairspray is kind of new and I am not sure it works or it's purpose, all I know is that the new stuff I have been trying smells nothing short of rank, and leaves my fro plump and stiff. I figured it might at least slow them down, seeing how the bigger they are the faster they can run.

I am glad to report I didn't find any spiders, and I can say that my search was extensive, including pulling furniture away from the walls and yanking mattress off bed frames, I don't like to take chances. I then tried setting up the DVD player, and was really happy when it worked, but then disappointed because although advertised as "Code Free," it wasn't. Luck stacking up against me, the cable then went out due to the storm. Regardless of the lack of entertainment, I was happy to be there and happy to not have to wallow in my apartment.

To sum up my beautiful, yet totally uneventful weekend, I worked on my recipe book, ate dinner with some family friends, watched a lot of CNN and VIVA, and ate. It snowed and snowed, and from the inside, it was beautiful. Being alone, with no Internet, and nothing to do but stay inside and keep warm, it was one of the most relaxing weekends I have had in a very long time. So for all of you who silently pitied, or verbally felt bad for me, no need. I plan on going back next weekend with Frau.

Getting back this morning, I couldn't help but feel the funk of Saturday morning's phone call lingering in my apartment. I left as soon as I felt it and went shopping for Christmas ornaments and lights (Got to start early). On my walk I couldn't help but flip-flop from feeling like I might have just made a really big mistake and given up something I want, and reminding myself that I would be able to live through whatever consequences my words might find me in. I can't help but think that the state of my situation might be different if I didn't need the reassurance I am looking for. That things wouldn't be like this if I had the ability to just let go, walk away and breath for a second. Wondering why I was so bad at this, and why the hell do I need so much attention? And then my mind goes back to thinking that I meant what I said, and that waiting silently for things to just go back to the way they were, sucks and feels like shit. The baby Zebra has regained it's place on my chest, and I am doing my best to ignore/live with it. Words are almost always followed by consequences, a lesson I have been taught many times, yet has never seemed to stick. I guess I'll just have to see, and in the mean time try to find a way to live with the Zebra.

First thing tomorrow morning I am going Curling. Yes, Curling. It's for P.E., and I am kind of looking forward to it. It's either Curling or Ice Skating, which I really hate. I lack complete balance.

I am going to go to bed soon, and then I am going to tackle tomorrow, after that? Who knows?